A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy.

But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it’s a time to grieve.

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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.


The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.


lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies


*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”


My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.


[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’



Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.


Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.


Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.


*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.