Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous
You Might Also Like
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?
– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that
Coworker *parks Prius
Coworker 2 *locks bike up
Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.