@Sassafrantz

A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous

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@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@robots_feel

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@Angibangie

6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that

@ThaJawn

Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@Lindzeta

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@buttsword

my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.