A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.