Don’t forget to tip your server
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Wife: that’s never going to work
Husband: you’re so negative, Sandra
W: you’re planting bird seeds
H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?
-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest
She’s. A. Dude.