A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
How to wake up a Beagle
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.