A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok