A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
You Might Also Like
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.