God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.
Me: I’ll show myself out.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had
her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho