@AnniemuMary

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

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@TheMichaelRock

God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.

@Kids_kubed

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

@UncleDuke1969

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

@GingerHotDish

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

@JohnLyonTweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@ohthatbadger

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

@AndrewChamings

[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had

her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho