A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.