It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG