a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.


Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.


She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.


Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.


Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation


You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.