Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.
Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Lol at birds that walk places.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-