a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn


(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?


8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.

Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls


Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.


Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”


Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.


I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.


[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-