@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

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@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

@Sirrruh

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.

@RandomRamblr

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@TheRomanParker

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

@Ten_Toes_7

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.