a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Love this one 😂🧟
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.