me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?
Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.