@DaHess1

A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.

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@iamjeffsloan

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@markleggett

My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”

@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@wumother

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

@UncleDuke1969

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

@HollyMemphis

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

@pleatedjeans

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

@beefman138

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*