Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!