“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.


People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?


Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.


Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.


Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.


I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.


ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously


~ At a bar last night ~

Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want


me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”


Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.