“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???