@DamonHunzeker

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

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@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

@renchanted

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.

@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

@ch000ch

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

@iAmDelFreaky

~ At a bar last night ~

Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want

@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

@ohheyitszara

Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.