“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
choose your fighter
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew