a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Bring back the McRib
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.