a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The 6 types of sex
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt