A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Welcome to the stomach
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”