Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
You Might Also Like
Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?
What my wife said: If you want to
What I heard: If you want to live
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
WIFE: Guess what?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity