@ladybroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

You Might Also Like

@HousewifeOfHell

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live

@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@roostermustache

[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Guess what?
ME: What?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!

@jjhartinger

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@shadesof666

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@KalvinMacleod

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

@JohnLyonTweets

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

@moreki_mo

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity