*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*

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Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn’t even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.


There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.


“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist


I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze


My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.


You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.


writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait


If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say “I’ve gotta take this” then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.


“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”


Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else