*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???