@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

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@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@Pro_Jones_

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

@SteveSuckington

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

@BlazedDonuts

The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

@skwunt

Told my British pal I wanted him to take me to pound town.

Well, we are at the dollar store if anyone needs anything.

@Douchekevin

Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.