A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
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BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
sensitive skin
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
that’s really how it is
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.