A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
what’s the point then??
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.