Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.
A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous
Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you are a joke.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
I Don’t Know, In The House Somewhere
-A family autobiography
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.