A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

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Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.


Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…


I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous


Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.


Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.



Wife: that’s fair.


Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes


son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace


[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no


My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.