You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long