@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

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@AndyAsAdjective

I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

@LosLos__

Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.

@goldman

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

@goodthyngs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@xowenm

apple music: here’s a song for you

spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@VerifiedDrunk

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

@Home_Halfway

I always like seeing those “Baby on Board” stickers because it’s nice to see agreeable babies out there.

@Darlainky

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.