A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

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I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”


Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.


So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”


Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


apple music: here’s a song for you

spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY


Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.


I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,


I always like seeing those “Baby on Board” stickers because it’s nice to see agreeable babies out there.


A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?


6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.