@JeffMyspace

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

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@8bitf0x

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

@JohnLyonTweets

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@Iffy_Penguin

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-Pac-Man’s grocery list.

@BraandoCommando

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

@LostFelicia

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@LolaFaglana

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.