A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you