@thatcarlygirl

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

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@Shade510

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

@sonictyrant

ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that’s great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@TabooBooSF

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@bridger_w

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

@kenradio

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

@UncleDuke1969

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.