@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

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@Naked_Wombat

I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@kristygee

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

@Mardigroan

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

@SortaBad

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

@Gupton68

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

@ElgatoEsmio

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

@Jen_says_nah

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.