A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks


[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”


If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.


My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus


“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now


adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane


Ghost Obi-Wan: You will go to the Dagobah system

Luke: Dagobah system?

Ghost Obi-Wan: There you will learn from Yoda

Ghost Obi-Wan: mostly about doing handstands

Ghost Obi-Wan: he’s really big on handstands honestly it’s like 96% handstands