A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

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I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.


DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady


I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.


Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience


Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked


Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.


8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.


My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.