A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?