2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]