A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]