@free_mattress

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

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@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

@Chhapiness

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

@elizaskinner

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

@RandomlyMJ

*hits on a guy*

He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.

@MarfSalvador

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

@buddhatree

Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.

@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@fro_vo

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*