INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
*hits on a guy*
He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.
*Gets run over by chicken*
so i’m at the stock market right
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*