@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@HatfieldAnne

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

@cluedont

BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

@Love_bug1016

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

@TheToddWilliams

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

@doggiedogthedog

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

@aotakeo

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations