A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.


Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”


My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.


BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.


[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.


People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.


If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?



SHEM:It’s full


SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen


I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?


I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations