A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes