A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk