I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I mean…but I did
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.