What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.
Work faster, whiskey.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine
the waitress at waffle house just apologized bc she lost her train of thought when tracy chapman fast car came on