a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?


ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you


Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.


Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.


Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda


if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine


the waitress at waffle house just apologized bc she lost her train of thought when tracy chapman fast car came on