a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.