@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

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@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

@goodbeanjokes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

@Jandalize

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@xLiserx

I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.

@agathagotstoned

May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

@ObscureGent

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

@IRLPepperMD

“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
“Now!”
*t-rex panics*

@tomwalkerisgood

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick