A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.