@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

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@jenniferemorrow

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@buhsbaby_baby

Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.

@mostly_cheese

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

@sadvil

so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year

@HaliPhacks

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

@Sarcasticsapien

Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.

@lecalabara

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@TheRealPalMal

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

@lisaxy424

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.