My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*sewing*
A thread
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
*me flirting
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.