@justabloodygame

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

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@TheZachCozad

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

@TheToddWilliams

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@ReticentTurnip

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

@jake_lach

*Police bust through door*

-QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR

-WAIT, WHY!?

-I DON’T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!