Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
This meal prepping shit easy
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*Police bust through door*
-QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR
-I DON’T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine