A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won