@jonnysun

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

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@Donnie_Fairburn

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

@Scott_A_Gilmore

‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

@disco_bird

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

@perlapell

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@WheelTod

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.