a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.


I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it


All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)

Have cats.


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.


The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.


I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”


“sir do u know why i pulled u over”
*hands cop box of crayons*
“sir plea-
*hands cop coloring book*
*cop starts coloring*


Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.