@jonnysun

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

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@Darlainky

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

@moron_online

I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it

@scrirc

All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)

Have cats.

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

@sofarrsogud

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

@chrisdelia

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

@BroIsMeeeee

“sir do u know why i pulled u over”
*shrugs*
“License-
*hands cop box of crayons*
“sir plea-
*hands cop coloring book*
*cop starts coloring*

@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.