a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I am yelling
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.