A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach