A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

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[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]



police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes


*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.


I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.


When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.


My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks


When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.