@offbeatoliv

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

@murrman5

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

@PinkCamoTO

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.

@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@Eightinchgoat

I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.

@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.