A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I hate my earbuds.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My Plans 2020
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: