@offbeatoliv
@squirrel74wkgn
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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@squirrel74wkgn
@murrman5
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
@PinkCamoTO
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
@Lilblack_heart
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
@DosieDoe
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
@arielleBigBlue
When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.
@FloodyHippie
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
@Eightinchgoat
I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.
@rickolantern
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
@flashember
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.