A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Strangers have the best candy.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.