@TheAlexNevil: A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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@jdawsey1: NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: "NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
@GrandadJFreeman: Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you...
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination
@dafloydsta: [speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT