Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
You Might Also Like
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.