A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My birthstone is kidney
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype