@TheAlexNevil

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

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@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!

@MariyaAlexander

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

@MichaelGoffLA

“Engagement” can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@trevso_electric

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

@thenatewolf

Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.