A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it