A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.


*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?

Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did


What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?


Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you


Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*


Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder


DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?


If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons