Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…