@TheRealDudish

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

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@Talkative_Julie

It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.

So I tell everyone here.

@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

@UtilityLimb

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

@ElleOhHell

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

@PetrickSara

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

@Divergentmama

When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.

@PlainTravis

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

@tiemespankme

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site