A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

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*googles murder tips

*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search

They won’t be able to prove a thing!

*evil cackles


[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.


I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.


Apparently organ donation has to be *your own* organ and this police officer has a lot of questions.


My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.


Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*