*googles murder tips
*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search
They won’t be able to prove a thing!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
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college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
just got my engagement photos
Apparently organ donation has to be *your own* organ and this police officer has a lot of questions.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*