A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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next level snooze
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Wait for it
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.