A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
You Might Also Like
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.