@RiotGrlErin
@MarfSalvador
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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@MarfSalvador
@ArfMeasures
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
@novicefather
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
@momtransparent1
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
@DanMentos
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
@TheMichaelRock
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.
CW…..
@sheann828
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
@BackrowSeats
Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.
@khook32
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
@Staggfilms
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.