A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies


Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool


I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.


Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.


interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right


Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.



Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?


Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.


If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.


Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.