A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

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*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*


The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.


Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.


When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.


Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.


A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”


If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.