@RiotGrlErin

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

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@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

@muffathukka

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

@thatdutchperson

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

@MidlifeOpportu1

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

@causticbob

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

@ItsMeAshleyWee

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.