@RiotGrlErin

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

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@MarfSalvador

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@novicefather

I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.

@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

@DanMentos

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.

CW…..

@sheann828

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

@BackrowSeats

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@Staggfilms

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.