@RiotGrlErin
@SirEviscerate
*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
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@SirEviscerate
@muffathukka
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
@GrabTheWEness
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
@TheAndrewNadeau
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
@thatdutchperson
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
@MidlifeOpportu1
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
@causticbob
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
@ItsMeAshleyWee
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
@beautifulpic777
CUTE CAT‼︎
@iwearaonesie
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*