A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
🤣😈🤣
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
happy friday
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS